Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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