i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
