I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize