Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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