Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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