There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am available for nakedness
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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