i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
