She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
