Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
