I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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