I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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