Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Are we still banned from the library?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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