The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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