I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
