Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
