I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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