Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
