I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
