he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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