Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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