everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
