Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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