Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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