So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
