o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Randomize
