As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
