I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
