I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
