hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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