At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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