My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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