So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
