The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
