I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
