My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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