I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
