Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
this hospital has no fireball
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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