I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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