I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
