I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
