Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
