Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
This house was built for laser tag.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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