so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I looked at my own cervix.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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