walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
