so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
