Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
