We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
