We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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