so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
