So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
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You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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