Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
