I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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