Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
