my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
