apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
