There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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