The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
