Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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