i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
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Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
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He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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