im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
