I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
