You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
